A problem shared with Ms Phylactic


Every month Q&C's very own agony columnist, the extraordinary Anna Phylactic will be answering some of our readers most pressing concerns and problems in her very own unique and inimitable style, all with her trademark double gin in hand.   

Dear Anna,

I think I love myself too much. That’s not actually the problem. The real issue is other people don’t love me as much as I love myself. At first I thought it was just their problem, but now I’m starting to think it might be mine too. I just don’t understand. I'm attractive, interesting and care about what others think of me. I have even maintained a steady stream of boyfriends, granted they've all been look-a-likes of me (what’s so bad about “twincest” anyways?) but they've helped my Instagram numbers no end. Some mean girls have deleted me and been unkind, one said: “Your head is so far up your own arse you could give yourself a colonic just by licking your lips”. So much unjust jealousy! What should I do? Cave or continue? By the way, I’m still one of the hottest guys on Scruff, everyone says so, especially those without head shots but with royal heritage from Nigeria. 

Blessed-with-the-best, Chandlers Ford, Hampshire

Anna says: 

Hello Blessed with the best from Chandlers Ford. You ok hun? Furthermore, are you actually serious? I’m not sure you are serious but first things first, I’m glad you have a high opinion of yourself. Its good to be confident and love yourself. That's healthy - to a point. There again, worrying about what others think of you to this level though appears insecure and quite frankly is none of your business. It's a waste of time and energy. Not just yours but mine too. I’m wasting valuable gin-drinking time responding to you and that is not on.

I've been reading a lot of late about narcissistic personality disorder, a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. These days such a condition seems commonplace, if people's social media feeds are anything to go by. The sad thing is, most narcissists aren’t usually aware of their extreme sense of self-love. Which makes me think you’re on a different level!

In any case, behind this mask of ultra confidence with any narcissist lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism. Tell me, do you respond with rage when someone dares to level any criticism at you? 

I’m no clinical psychiatrist but inevitably a narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favours you feel you deserve or if people don’t kiss your arse when you feel they should. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Some girls deleted you from social media not because they are jealous of you but because they view you as arrogant. Perhaps you should think about how you come across saying things like you have maintained a string of 'lookalike boyfriends’ for Instagram likes (yuk) and that you are the hottest guy on Scruff. This is just 'your’ opinion and certainly not true. I’m on scruff in boy drag for starters and have had some real dishes on there so you have real competition baby! (But send me some private pictures and I may change my mind.)

In answer to your question, continue or cave? Continue to love yourself but quit with worrying about how others view you. Stop seeking other people's approval and stop trying to get likes and perhaps people will start loving, or liking you a bit more.

Perhaps your toxic self-love is compensation for gay shame you’ve experienced in the past? These are things you might want to start thinking about in order to move forward. Loving ourselves is important yes, but not at the cost of loving others, or having others love us. Dig deep, cut the crap and start being real. As my mother always said, self praise is no recommendation.













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